Defeated-an old entry
July 28, 2010
I am 33 and I have kidney disease. As I write that sentence, I still can’t grasp where my life went. There was a time not so long ago that I was healthy, full of energy, I was alive. Now my days are spent thinking and worrying if I will see my 34th birthday. I stare at my face which at one time had no flaws. My skin has turned into a playground for pimples to dwell. My face is dry now, I no longer have that youthful glow. My body has marks and bruises from the surgeries. I have war marks to remind me of my many battles with my illness. But still there are countless scars I have that nobody will ever see.
I wonder if I will make it to see my own wedding. Will I get to see my dad walk me down the aisle? That would be a sight to see. My dad and I together holding hands, as he gives me away to the man I have wished for all my life. I would love to be able to dance with my brother on my wedding day. It’s crazy how our relationship has come full circle. To be honest, I daydream about this special day ever chance I get. I try to come to this place in my mind when everything feels so out of control. This is peace to me.
My reality is dialysis treatments three times a week for three hours. I sit in a chair and attempt to watch TV( which I really don’t do). I stare at the timer of the dialysis machine,hoping and praying that it will be all over soon. I look at all the patients mostly elderly and wonder if they lived their lives to the fullest before they got here? I wonder if they got married, had children, finished school, or traveled? Then it comes to me, I have done none of those things (the right way-I mean) before I got sentenced to this life. It angers to be given a chance with so many restrictions and conditions. It this what my life will be from now on? Is this really a chance or am I just getting by? Am I just waiting for my time to be up? This is not where I thought I would be. I am nothing now but a young woman of 33 waiting for a kidney transplant.